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Living with Intention, ​Generating Contentment

I don’t strive to be happy. Happiness is fleeting, as it ​should be. Sadness is also fleeting, as it should be. ​Anyone telling you to strive toward a happy life is ​leading you toward misery.

The root of all suffering is unmet expectation. Not ​sadness. Sadness is fleeting, but suffering can be ​endless.

My goal in life is contentment. I am content, more often ​than not.

Does that mean I am happy more often than not? ​Absolutely not. Don’t be ridiculous.

KayDee in “This One Idea Will Change How You Think ​about Your Entire Life” says “What if you lived like every ​single day counted? And every single moment was a ​chance to make something matter, to connect with ​others, or just to appreciate the amazingly beautiful ​goofiness that life is?”

What if?

Your life would look different in an instant, yet it might barely change. Let me explain.

The root of all suffering is unmet expectation. By shifting your expectations, your shift your perception of your ​reality. What we perceive is what we believe to be real.

By living with intention, by living in the moment, by making every second count, by making meaningful ​connections with others, by appreciating the amazingly beautiful goofiness that is life, we shift our expectations, ​we alter our perceptions, we create our reality in a form that is pleasing to us.

Living with ADHD, Bipolar, Autism and POTTs, my life is full of monumental faux pas, disappointment and struggle ​with just existing. A long time ago I decided I could continue to beat myself up for all of my mistakes, inability to ‘be ​normal’ or bad days where being live is a struggle, or I could express gratitude, celebrate the smallest of victories ​and stop with intention for a moment to appreciate some small but beautiful thing that other people are oblivious ​to. I choose the later as often as I possibly can.

This has allowed me to create a life full of contentment, a life full of happy moments and fleeting sadness.

Here are some of the ways that I live with intention, live in the moment, make every second count, make ​meaningful connections with others, and appreciate the amazingly beautiful goofiness that is life. Here are some ​of the ways that I shift my expectations, alter my perceptions and create my reality in a form that is pleasing to ​myself.

The Bucket List Example

I put ridiculously small things on my bucket list with the big things. Yes, I have a literal list. When I was 31, I put “try ​coffee” on my bucket list. Yes, I’d never had it. Yes, I’ve crossed it off my list. I like my coffee to taste like candy.

• 2/3 hot chocolate, 1/3 French vanilla from Wawa with plenty of marshmallows and sugar.
  
• At home, it’s 2 heaping spoonful’s of Sea Salt Hot Chocolate, 2 heaping spoons of sugar in Folgers medium ​roast coffee.
  

How about you? What’s your secret coffee recipe? Leave me a comment.

I look at that bucket list when I find myself with unscheduled down time, boredom or in need of an activity with ​someone I wish to spend time with and I do something on it. Like the time I went to a vampire museum and out for ​ice cream with my partner, or the time I visited Bryn Athyn Cathedral in Bryn Athyn, Pennsylvania and saw beautiful ​stonework built by the hands of two of my great, great grandfathers who were stone masons. I even incorporate ​my bucket list into my long-term planning. Watch more live plays with my youngest child who enjoys theater was ​on my bucket list. When a flyer came in the mail, a few months ago, advertising a discounted season pass to a ​theater in Philadelphia, I jumped on the opportunity. I’ll now have a full year of memorable trips with my youngest ​and as a bonus, one of the plays is the Grinch Who Stole Christmas, so I bought extra tickets and we’re taking my ​nephews. These are gifts to myself and my family which will keep on giving for the rest of our lives, much like the ​trips to the theater that I took with my grandmother when I was a kid. Sometimes, when I’m sad, I’ll think about ​those trips and my grandmother and know that I was loved, know that I am worthy of love.

By actually accomplishing things on my bucket list, I’ve mentally set the expectation that I will accomplish things ​on my bucket list. I’ve checked off so many things during my life that I’ve had to add more to my bucket list ​multiple times. Once you get started, habits are hard to break, even the good ones!

By living with intention, by making a real bucket list, looking at it frequently and actively working toward checking ​things off, I’ve been able to live in the moment and make every second count by turning wasted time into time ​spent filling my life with meaning and meaningful connections.

The Poor Memory Example

Poor memory is a symptom of my disorders. I have accepted that I will forget things, often. In fact, you could say ​that I expect to forget things.

Please understand that expecting something to happen is not the same as giving it your approval. You can expect ​something to happen, such as expecting your alcoholic parent to drink too much as Christmas and say ​something hurtful. At the same time, you can disapprove of their behavior and encourage them to quit. The power ​in expectation is that it grants you the power to protect yourself. In this hypothetical example, by expecting the ​parent to drink too much, you now have choices about how to handle the situation — everything from choosing ​not to attend dinner at all, to choosing to leave before they’ve emptied the wine bottle, to choosing to walk out as ​soon as they start making inappropriate comments. By empowering yourself with choice, you remove the ​suffering of disappointment and surprise.

By living with intention and expecting that I will forget things, it enables me to create systems and habits that will ​protect me from the negative effects of forgetting. For example, I never make an appointment and say to myself ​“Oh, you’ll remember that.” No. No I will not. I am living in the moment with appropriate expectations and that ​allows me to make choices that will change my reality. Because I am aware that I will forget, I put that ​appointment on my calendar with a reminder the very second I make that appoint. Do you see how setting my ​expectation appropriately, living with intention, and being aware in the moment allowed me to take action to ​prevent a consequence that would make me unhappy?

Much like checking things off your bucket list mentally paves the way to checking off more things on your bucket ​list, accepting my poor working memory, expecting that I will forget things, understanding why that will happen ​also mentally paves the way to give myself grace and forgiveness. When I can forgive myself, then I have the ​mental space to problem solve. Because there is no guilt or shame in having forgotten, I am capable of asking ​myself, without judgement, what went wrong and what can I do differently to prevent that scenario from ​happening again?

#ADHDWins

Don’t Leave it Unsaid

I tell people what they mean to me — while they’re still alive. An author here on Medium inspired this writing, I ​tagged them above. Is there an author here on Medium who’s inspired you? Tagged them in the comments and ​let them know.

I strive to have real conversations with people about real things. If you expect to have meaningful connections ​with real people, then you need to have real conversations about things that matter. Leave me a comment — tell ​me about someone important to you and why. Or ask me a question.

Sometimes the Little ​Moments Aren’t So Little

Big victories don’t happen in a bubble. They are the cumulative effect of lots and lots of small victories. By ​celebrating the small victories we reinforce in our brains that we are, in fact, making progress toward the bigger ​goal and by doing so, we are more inclined to take the next step and the next and the next.

And then, sometimes, life gets ugly and there aren’t any big victories to celebrate and we feel like we are moving ​backward, not forward. That is the time to celebrate the basic, the mundane. It is the time to celebrate the ​beautiful goofiness that is life — whether it’s laughing at a situation so bad the choice is to laugh or cry, or by ​making your own goofiness just to have something to celebrate.

• I’ll do a silly dance while waiting for the microwave. It brings me joy. Sometimes my kids join me.
  
• I literally stop to smell the roses when I take a walk. Even though I can’t smell most varieties, I always remain ​hopeful.
  
• I hung a small picnic table on my fence and filled it with food so I can watch the squirrels have a picnic.
  

Sometimes the little things are all we have. Acknowledge them, celebrate them, be grateful.

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